I don't usually write (or talk to my friends) too much on the subject of being a parent, I think I still have hang-ups about being one of those Mothers, you know, the ones who can only talk about their children. But, to be honest I think I'm starting to gain a bit of perspective, this is my life day to day and I love it, why should I feel guilty about talking about my life?
Anyhoo, that's not the guilt I wanted to write about.
I was reading an article about parenting guilt (television, chocolate - etc.) as a result I've been thinking about the guilt we carry around with us. I had someone's parental guilt bomb go off in my face the other day about chocolate, it went something like this
Mother; "My 2 year old loves chocolate! Have you bought The Boy his Easter chocolate yet?'
me: "No, we just haven't really introduced him to chocolate yet, I was thinking about getting some plastic Easter eggs and filling them with sultanas and tiny teddies and then maybe a small chocolate Easter egg to go with it"
Mother: "Oh... well... it's not like I give my child chocolate all the time, hardly ever really, it's really the grandparents fault, but now that the child has tried it, I can't very well say they can't have any ever!"
me out loud: "absolutely, I understand how it is"
and in my head "Whoa, calm down, maybe I should have just said 'no' and left it at that"
I remember once in a shopping centre when The Boy was about 4 months old a random lady asked me if I was breastfeeding, to which I went on a guilt spiral rant about how sad and shameful I felt about stopping at 2 months because of health issues, I went on and on, I couldn't stop myself - poor lady, she never saw it coming.
Do we all have secret guilt about our parenting? Or is it only when we are asked hard questions or faced with a different parenting style? Have you had experience with this?
Above is a picture of The Boy with his first taste of chocolate last Easter.
EDIT:: I also just wanted to add that I think we can jump to conclusions very quickly - after the chocolate conversation I felt judged and guilty like a 'mean mummy', depriving my child of treats and was worried that the other mother thought I was judgmental of her giving her child chocolate (which is not the case at all, go for it I say!) I think we all need to work out what is right for us and our families and be confident in our choices - I don't think we should need to feel like we owe anyone an explanation.
I worry sometimes that just having a different opinion can come across the wrong way. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to share my opinions because I don't want to be judged or come across as judgmental, ack! it's a minefield!
7 comments:
hey bec. I suspect we all have guilt. There is so much we COULD do that we dont, and prob too so much that we shouldnt do that we DO. Other peoples expectations and opinions are good b they can give us info and shape good values, but they can also be overpowering, esp when you feel vulnerable after having your first child. I think I still lumber along bound up by guilt of how I am not the perfect woman or mother, but am definately feeling it less these days and am finding it easier to just enjoy myself.
I was reading about the guilt of being stay at home Mum and the guilt of being a working Mum and either way it seemed all Mother's felt guilty at some stage but the funny thing was the main source of these feelings were pushed upon people by other Mothers! I think we all need to give ourselves a break :)
I try and always respect other Mother's ways but I also try not to get caught up in someone judging me, even though sometimes it's hard not to!
Bec, i am so glad you have come into my life! i love your blogs (i don't usually read anyone's blogs)! I think we may have a LOT in common and i can't wait to get our friendship up and running (perhaps on a weekly basis?!!). love your views and look forward to reading more!!!
Sarah - you are so right! I think sometimes the hardest thing is the battle we have with ourselves, wanting to be impossibly perfect!
Ruth - for sure, it seems we are all so hard on ourselves and so much harder when we think others are judging us! You are such a great Mum, your little lady is a credit to you!
I too try so hard not to judge and be respectful - I'm worried sometimes that just having a different opinion can come across the wrong way though. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to share my opinions because I don't want to be judged or come across as judgmental, ack! it's a minefield!
Emma - Thanks! Me too, I'm looking forward to catching up with you when I return from Tassie and getting to know you better!
It is a minefield... *sigh* You are so right. There's guilt pretty much wherever you turn. We are on the receiving end of a lot of it when we tell people we home educate. Usually the response is "Oh I thought about that but I can't do it because...". I usually end up saying "Hey it's ok, school can be great, it's just not for us :) I'm learning so much through befriending all these wonderful women I come across in parenting my children and I've come to believe that we need to support each other more, regardless of our choices and stop feeling guilt for the choices we make. In doing so we model informed choice and respect to our kids too so it's win : win :)
Well all I can say is after doing this parenting thing now for nearly 20 years I still haven't got it sorted! Take a peek at my latest post and it's all about the guilt! We have just found out about some major bullying issues at school that have had a detrimental effect on my 10 year olds learning (tests show he's almost three years behind) how did this happen??? I was there just about every day at school, involved, getting extra help etc. But I didn't know the extent of the problem and as for the school I have no idea how they missed it! The two older ones have had a relatively easy time at school so this has come as a shock. It amazes me though how even friends can make you feel so bad. I think it's even harder these days when we expect so much more from ourselves and our kids, doing the whole super mum thing has hairs on it!!
Thank you from the heart for your down-to-earth analysis and then proof thereof towards the overly judgmental society we live in! We shouldn't owe anyone an explanation for the way we live our lives, unless of course it's detrimental to them, but I believe it's with the growing influence of social media people seem intent on pushing their beliefs to correct others' behavior, instead of sharing their solutions and ideas.
Great post!
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